Best of Late Night: Trevor Noah Shows How Apple Got Its Valuation to $1 Trillion

Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. If you’re interested in hearing from The Times regularly about great TV, sign up for our Watching newsletter and get recommendations straight to your inbox.

‘Apple Has Officially Won Capitalism’

Trevor Noah feigned astonishment at hearing that Apple has become the first American company to reach a valuation of $1 trillion. But as he voiced his skepticism, Noah showed how they did it.

“I’m going to be honest, I don’t even know how they made a trillion dollars. Because I saw this headline on my iPhone, and I was like, ‘That can’t be right,’ so I read the full story on my MacBook, and even when I used Excel on my iPad and I blew it up, it’s still so unlikely that Apple could make so much money! ’Cause I was listening to a Podcast explain it on my second pair of earbuds, and then my Apple Watch told me I had a meeting. So I guess we’ll never know how they made the money.” — TREVOR NOAH

“One trillion dollars. That’s it, folks. Apple has officially won capitalism. Wrap it up, it’s over.” — TREVOR NOAH

Meyers Urges Trump to Talk to Mueller

President Trump was reportedly enraged after finding out that Robert S. Mueller III, the special counsel, wants to ask him questions about obstruction of justice. But Trump is insisting he still wants an interview with Mueller, contrary to the advice of most of his lawyers, according to sources in the White House.

“According to The New York Times, President Trump is eager to sit down with special counsel Robert Mueller to clear himself of any wrongdoing. Oh, yes, please do that. That would be like when the cops show up at your party and your drunkest friend says, ‘Oh, I’ll talk to them.’” — SETH MEYERS

But Jimmy Kimmel thinks Trump is bluffing.

“The only way Donald Trump is sitting down with Robert Mueller is if Mueller hires a porn star with a bra full of chicken nuggets to ask the questions.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

Whereas Stephen Colbert thinks Trump is just confused.

“Mueller wants to ask about obstruction of justice but has agreed to ‘limit the scope of questioning and would like to ask questions’ both ‘written’ and ‘orally.’ [Impersonating Trump] ‘You lost me at written. But you got me back at orally.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT, quoting from an ABC News report

The Punchiest Punchlines (Dunkin’ Donuts Edition)

“A Colorado man has been fined $1,000 for allegedly feeding bears for the third time in eight years. Said the man, ‘Oh great, this is going to cost me another arm and a leg.’” — SETH MEYERS

“I saw that Dunkin’ Donuts just introduced its first gluten-free menu item. It’s perfect for people who care about what they put in their body, but also don’t.” — JIMMY FALLON

“Eighteen thousand dollars on a karaoke set? Yo, if I spend that much money on karaoke, it better come with drunk Japanese businessmen to sing for me.” — TREVOR NOAH, on the recently released accounts of how the former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort spent his earnings

The Bits Worth Watching

Mark Hamill tried to one-up the excitement over the coming auction of the original Han Solo jacket — with a pair of capri pants.

In a cold open, “The Late Show” sniped at Paul Manafort’s lavish purchases.

In making his new film, “BlacKkKlansman,” Spike Lee wanted to ensure that the evil of the Ku Klux Klan — whose iconography is so familiar by now to American audiences — came through clearly, and with impact.

Leave a Response