The Bottom 10 inspirational thought of the week:
“You played a good game, boy … but the game is over. Now you die.”
— Tall Man, “Phantasm”
As a rule, I did not watch scary movies growing up. Wait, let me clarify. I loved “Dracula” and “Frankenstein” and “Creature from the Black Lagoon.” What I didn’t love were chainsaws and axes and people running and screaming from the axes and chainsaws.
But eventually, as the people running eventually learned, the axes and the chainsaws were unavoidable. As I grew older and home video became a thing (yes, I’m old enough to remember when there was no home video) people brought slasher movies to sleepovers and Halloween parties and, creepily, church youth group functions.
When I finally did start watching, I was stunned to find that was actually amused at what I was seeing. It was a pattern, prevalent in every film. The campers knew not to make out in the abandoned cabin, but they did it anyway. And Jason cut their heads off. The kids on Elm Street knew that going to sleep, even with people watching, was a horrible idea. But, sure enough, they did it anyway, and ole Freddy was waiting for them. And the boys in “Phantasm” knew they shouldn’t play with that flying silver ball in the hallway, but they did. And Tall Man turned it into the worst game of Quidditch ever.
And the season-ticket holders of the teams of the Bottom 10 have a pretty good idea what will happen once they pass through the turnstiles, but they’ll do it anyway.
With apologies to Don Coscarelli and Steve Harvey, here’s this week’s Bottom 10.
1. Georgia Southern Not State (0-7)
There’s nothing more harrowing than a good psychological thriller. And there’s no more mind-bending experience than the case of mistaken identity that will take place in Statesboro this weekend when Georgia Southern Not State hosts Georgia State Not Southern, aka Eagles Not Panthers vs. Panther Not Eagles.
2. UTEP (0-8)
Continuing an exclusive Halloween engagement only in El Paso movie theaters, “Tales from the Crypt: Crypt Keeper’s Revenge” stars Mike Price as a coach who returns from the dead to teach a football program how to do the same.
3. San No-se State (1-8)
Last weekend the Spartans were mauled by a pack of Cougars, losing the first leg of the Double Pillow Fight of the Year III. It was either the latest chapter from Stephen King’s “Pet Sematary,” someone from San Jose trying to re-enact Ricky Bobby’s race car driver training, or it was simply a loss at BYU. Either way, I’m betting a Crystal Gayle t-shirt got ruined.
4. Myrtle Beach U. Chanticleers (1-7)
I once went to a haunted house very close to the Coastal Carolina campus over in Myrtle Beach. There were huge mechanized monsters rolling around and gnawing on the flesh of those whom they’d captured and deep-fried. Oh wait, my bad: That was just a $9.99 seafood buffet on Ocean Boulevard.
5. Florida Gators (3-4)
There once was a football coach who tried to tell the world that his life was in danger, but no one believed him … and then five days later he indeed vanished! It’s already being written into a screenplay titled “Coach Mac and the Mystery of the Coveted Fifth Spot.”
6. Baylor (0-8)
The greatest horror films are the ones that take us into dark, surprising and unpredictable twists and turns. For example: A team that nearly made the College Football Playoff just three years ago opens a door that it believes will lead to treasures beyond its imagination, but instead …
7. Kansas Nayhawks (1-7)
… on Nov. 4, Baylor travels to see these guys, who just hit a 20-year low for offensive output by an FBS team, posting a grand total of 21 yards against TCU. Kansas is so bad that even the two schools with Kansas in their name that are usually pretty good — Kansas State and Arkansas — have losing records.
7. Texas State Armadillos (2-6)
… they find themselves in the middle of a field in Kansas being attacked by a giant blue bird.
8. UNC Tear Heels (1-8)
Who hasn’t fallen for that tried-and-true horror film plot twist, when the victim escapes a seemingly never-ending hellscape — like, say, a multiyear NCAA investigation — only to find itself recaptured and subjected to a whole new set of tortures — like, say, a season when you can’t find the end zone and your only win is over Old Dominion.
9. Boiling Green (1-7)
If you’re looking for something to do while you sort through your candy haul on Tuesday night, tune in to some super sweet #MACtion (8 p.m. ET, ESPNU) featuring the Falcons, who most certainly will be decked out in their made-for-Halloween orange. Or, if you’re looking for something more horror movie-ish…
10. Ore-gone State (1-7)
… just rewatch the fourth quarter of the Beavers’ game against Stanford. I’m pretty sure it was directed by Wes Craven.
Waiting list: Charlotte 1-and-7ers (1-7), B-Why?-U (2-7), No-vada (1-7), Minute Rice (1-6), Living on Tulsa Time (2-6), EC-Yew (2-6), Flori-duh State (2-5), Illi-noise (2-6), Texas State Armadillos (2-6), “Saw” sequels (0-7)